Another Day, Another Breakdown
by my-write-to-be
Summary: Sometimes denial was just easier.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own, and therefore, I don't profit. Kinda sad, huh?  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Mentionings of dub con, sexual references  
><strong>AN:** I actually really hate the way this turned out. The image in my mind just kinda fell apart as I was writing it, but wouldn't leave me alone until it was done. The characters feel so wrong, the plot isn't very well formed, and I didn't really explain the mythology I introduced.  
>Well, that's me done complaining. I write to improve, so hopefully it was a learning experience?<p>

* * *

><p>"Severus, I'm so-" Lupin flinched back as Snape raised anger darkened eyes, releasing their full force onto him.<p>

"Get out." His words were smooth and quiet. Instead of backing away, Lupin took a brave step forward. "Get. Out!"

"Please Severus." He took another step, locking pleading eyes on hardening orbs of onyx.

"First, you storm in here as though you own the place, without exercising the common courtesy of knocking." Lupin flinched back, hearing the promise of pain in Snape's speedily darkening tone. "Then you ignore all requests for you to leave." Another flinch, accompanied by a hasty step backwards. "Finally you advance on me and," here Snape took a deep breath, forcibly lowering his voice, as it had been rising with every word he spoke. "Assaulted me in such a foul manner, with absolutely no provocation whatsoever."

"Severus, please let me explain." Lupin finally found his voice, but the look in the other man's eyes told him it was no use.

"Get out." When the brunette made no move to leave, Snape raised his voice ruthlessly. "Get out, you filthy monster."

Once he heard the door close, Severus sunk into his only chair with a groan. His head was pounding, even as thoughts whirled around mercilessly. His body begged for the relative softness of his bed, rather than the hard chair, but he couldn't move. Sleep wouldn't come anyway, not with so much on his mind.

Under normal circumstances, the incident would have been reported and dealt with accordingly. But these weren't normal circumstances. He couldn't expect anyone to believe him over the werewolf, let alone for the wolf to tell the truth.

_What would Lily think? _A stray thought pondered. He belonged to Lily. _And Lily belongs to Potter._ A snide voice informed him. A wave of guilt washed through him, followed quickly by anger.

It wasn't like he had enjoyed the encounter. It had been uncalled for. A gross violation of his person. _A violation you were asking for._

* * *

><p>Remus took longer strides than usual, fleeing down the long flight of stairs from the top floor to the bottom. He had only meant to obtain his potion, only meant to ensure the potions master was okay.<p>

Things had truly gotten out of hand.

He would have to tell Dumbledore. Squaring his shoulders determinedly, Remus headed to where he knew the older wizard would be.

* * *

><p>Severus paced his sparse room. The incident with 'the wolf' had been almost a week ago, with neither hide nor hair seen of the vile beast. This should have pleased Severus. Instead, he found himself worrying about the other man.<p>

A short knock at his door pulled him from his thoughts. Hope flared in his chest, rapidly followed by guilt and fury. He violently squashed them all down.

"Severus?" He couldn't help but breath a sigh of relief, even as disappointment flowed through him. "May I come in?"

Quickly smoothing his features, Severus crossed the room once more, and pulled the door open.

Albus stepped through the threshold easily, as Severus bowed him in. Bright blue eyes flew over half eaten dishes, strewn dirty laundry and messy piles of books. Severus was thankful he made no comment.

"Severus, there is something I'd like to discuss with you. Regarding Remus." The younger man stiffened, face completely devoid of emotion.

"I'd rather not, if you wouldn't mind." The words were tightly formal, betraying the fury he was trying so hard to hide. Albus merely cocked an eyebrow, watching him for an extended moment.

"I see." Midnight purple robes swished along the floor as Albus moved back to the door. "I suppose, it would be more appropriate for this conversation to be shared between both wounded parties."

"_Both _wounded parties?" Severus couldn't help but snap. "I believe I am the only one to be _wounded_."

"That is not so Severus." The calm with which Albus spoke only added to Snape's growing anger.

"I didn't-" he couldn't bring himself to finish the thought. Memories bubbled up, accompanied by emotions Severus wasn't willing to face.

"There is much you do not know Severus." Albus final spoke once it became clear his companion couldn't finish his sentence.

"I kindly request you leave." Taking the few short steps required to reach the door, Snape held it open to highlight his point.

"I see I have upset you." Albus bowed his head for a moment, walking from the room. Once in the hall, he turned to face the still livid face of Severus. "I hope you will be more accommodating to Remus if he choses to discuss things with you."

"If that _monster_ ever comes near me again, I will be sure to keep that in mind as I hex him." Severus snarled, slamming the door on Dumbledore's still too calm face.

Muttering darkly under his breath, Severus began pacing once more. _'_Both _wounded parties?'_ The dark thoughts plaguing his mind refused to recede, even as he began to wear a path in the carpet. _As though I was the one to-_ he couldn't even finish that line of thought in the safety of his own mind.

Many hours had passed by the time Severus had another visitor. Night had fallen, though it was impossible to tell, as his room held no windows. He had fallen into his chair once more, where fatigue had claimed him. Though he wouldn't admit it, he hadn't slept in his bed since the incident.

"Severus?" The quiet word was followed by a quieter knock, as though the person on the other side of the door was afraid of being heard at all. "Severus, are you awake?"

Of course, Severus heard none of this, still caught in the world of dark dreams. He was being slowly tortured, images he didn't wish to face flowing over him unbidden, where he couldn't fight them off.

"Severus?" The question, and following knock, where a little louder. This managed to pull the occupant of the room half from sleep, allowing him the strange grey limbo between dreams and reality. The figure behind the door took a deep breath, before knocking sharply, wincing as the sound seemed to echo down the hall.

Pitch black eyes snapped open. Muscles screamed in protest as limbs moved, stretching out. Uncurling his body swiftly, Severus was immediately on edge, searching the room for what woke him. His answer came with another timid knock.

Growling to himself, the dark man stood slowly, painfully aware of how much his muscles disliked his sleeping arrangements. Half limping to the door, he positioned himself behind it, so that the thick wood would stand between him and his visitor.

"What?" The question was out even before the door had opened enough to reveal the figure, something Severus quickly regretted. Rather than waiting for an answer, he merely pushed the door closed on Lupin's shocked face.

Moving back towards his chair, Severus growled under his breath as he heard the door open once more. Hastily stooping, he retrieved his fallen blanket. The wolf mustn't know he wasn't sleeping in his bed.

"Severus, why have you been sleeping in the chair?" That obviously hadn't been what Lupin had meant to say, but the question had flowed out before he could stop it.

"That would be none of your business." The cold tone made Lupin flinch. "Now leave."

"Please Severus, I just want to talk."

"Get out."

"No."

"Get out, or I shall make you wish you were never born." In a flash Severus was before Lupin, wand held directly under his chin.

"Please Severus, I just wanted-" He was cut off harshly.

"What? You just wanted to rape me again?" All the blood drained from Lupin's face at those words, even as Snape's flushed. "Just wanted to force yourself on me again? Use me for your own gratification?"

"No." The word held so much sadness and remorse it was heartbreaking. Severus had no intention of letting it affect him.

"You wanted to let the beast loose again, let the filthy monster inside you take me?" He was snarling now, sounding much like an animal himself. "What, was I the weakest? Was I the obvious choice because no one would defend me? I hate to break it to you Lupin, but I will make you pay."

"Severus, you don't understand." Lupin flinched as Snape laughed bitterly.

"Albus said the same thing. He had the gall to imply I had somehow caused you some grievance, as though I was to blame." Severus was shaking his head now, though the hand holding his wand never wavered.

"Please, just let me explain."

"Explain what exactly? Explain why you thought it appropriate to come in here and-"

"Would you just shut up and let me explain?" Lupin growled. He had promised himself he wouldn't yell at Severus, promised himself he wouldn't lose control. _So much for that. _He couldn't help but think dryly to himself.

Snape automatically flinched back, putting distance between him and the other man. His wand dropped from his hand, completely forgotten. Lupin quickly pressed his advantage.

"I know it doesn't matter how much I apologise, it won't repair the damage I've done." Remus kept his hands before him, high and open, in a position of non-threatening surrender. He sighed deeply before continuing. "I've done more than just, just-" a deep breath and a flash of anguish replaced the spoken sin. "I've claimed you."

"What?" The word was strangled, laden with shock and tinged with horror.

"When I," Lupin paused, struggling to find the right words. "The wolf inside, he, ah, claimed you."

"And what, exactly, does that entail?" Snape was obviously recovering from his shock, as his tone was reverting back to its dangerous softness.

Lupin looked suitably sheepish for a long moment, a plethora of emotions flowing through his eyes. "It means, I can't ever be with another."

"You claimed me. You ruined me!" Snape knew it worked both ways. He knew enough about werewolves to know if Lupin couldn't be with anyone else, neither could he. "Get out! I never want to see your face again, you filthy monster."

Lupin knew he had failed. He had only managed to make things worse, so he fled. He had only just made it through the door when he heard something shatter on the wall, probably in the same line that his head had just been in.

Severus once again fell into his chair. Tears flowed over his checks, hot and constant. _I've betrayed Lily._ It didn't matter that Lily wouldn't know, let alone care. A lot of things didn't matter at that moment.

It didn't matter that Lupin was suffering as he was, Lupin had forced this upon him. It didn't matter that a part of him was aware there was more to this than he was willing to admit to himself. In the end, nothing really mattered beyond the anger and guilt burning inside.

The anger and guilt only grew as morning came. Lily Potter was dead. She was dead, and Snape had been unfaithful to her memory. Unfaithful to her. He had let someone take him away from her, and he was being punished for it. His grief tarnished mind twisted the situation, until he was the sole person to blame. Even 'the wolf' was free from his anger, dark thoughts reminding him Lupin wouldn't have been tempted if it weren't for his actions.

Lupin wouldn't have been able to claim him if it wasn't for... _No_. Somethings just didn't matter.

* * *

><p>In the long years Lupin was out of his life, Severus could find no peace. Any lover he tried to take became revolting to him. Even without Lily's memory haunting him, love was a concept he'd never grasp. The guilt never seemed to ease, on both accounts.<p>

The arrival of Lily's son didn't help this. He tried to hate the boy who reminded him so much of his rival. He tried to despise him, as he had loathed James, but he was too much like his precious Lily for it to work. This only added to the constant pain.

Some nights it would be unbearable, and those nights he would brew himself a sleeping potion, just to escape. Sleep was instantaneous, bringing him to the harsh light of morning instantly. Though the days weren't much better than the nights, the prospect of taking his anger out on hapless students helped.

This, of course, was ruined with the arrival of his apparent 'mate'. He had pleaded with the headmaster, though he was repeatedly denied. Dumbledore was convinced there would be no harm in it, as though the man hadn't stolen what was left of Severus' life.

* * *

><p>Being back hurt more than Remus could express. Happy memories were tinged with the pain of loss. Every corridor reminded him that he was the last Marauder standing. Every room softly told him of how, at one time, his curse hadn't been such a burden. Every time he saw Harry, he could only feel a dull sorrow.<p>

This was even before he thought of Severus. He could feel him, always. A small knot of sensations in a dark, primal corner of his mind. Severus was suffering, he could feel it. Just as he could feel he was the cause.

The longer he was away from his mate, the more it hurt. The closer he was, the more acutely he could feel the anguish he had instilled in the other man. Remus wanted so badly to make it all right, make it all well between them.

He did love the man after all.

* * *

><p>"Please Severus." Snape shock his head, old anger flaring softly inside his chest.<p>

"I'm not interested in what you have to say Lupin, leave."

"I won't Severus, not this time, not until you've heard me out." Remus crossed his arms, facing the other man across the heavy desk filling most of the potion master's office.

"Then speak, so that you may leave me be." Severus refused to look up, eyes trained on the parchment before him. His hand moved quickly, scratching angry red marks onto the essay.

Remus sighed heavily, slipping into the chair across from his companion. He watched Snape's hand twitch in annoyance, but chose to ignore it.

"I have missed you." The words were quiet, softly conveying pain.

"I'm sure." Came the darkly sarcastic response.

"I-" Remus paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I always loved you."

The explosion he had been expecting, been fearing, came fast, and full force. Snape was on his feet, hands tangled in Lupin's collar and hauling upwards before the other man could even blink. While their bodies were separated by the large desk, their faces were almost pressed together.

"You ruined my life." A curled lip accompanied the low snarl, the perfect image of disgust and fury. "You made me betray her. You_ forced_ me to betray her." For a reason Lupin couldn't quite define, Snape's words sparked something in him. His own anger burst forth.

"No." Remus curled his own fingers, tightening them in Severus' robes. With a show of strength most wouldn't expect from the pacifist, Remus pushed Snape back. "What occurred between us, what I did, couldn't have been done without something from you. I didn't know for so long, I had always assumed I had ruined your life, but then I did some research."

Snape flinched back, seeing a satisfaction in Lupin's eyes he didn't like. That one look confirmed to him, it was all his fault.

"The wolf wouldn't have taken over if you hadn't wanted it. This bond wouldn't have been forged unless you felt the same." Remus advanced on the retreating Snape. They circled the desk as he spoke, moving in a slow dance. "I wouldn't be able to feel you right now, not if you didn't love me."

"I could never." Severus found himself backed against a wall. "I could never want a monster like you, _love_ a monster like you."

"Then why can I feel your panic?" Remus slid in closer, effectively trapping the other man. "You know just as well as I do I'm not lying."

"I wouldn't." Wide black eyes, coupled with a breathy tone, confirmed what Remus could already feel from Severus. "Lily." The last word came out as a whisper, so soft Lupin almost missed it.

"I'm sorry Severus, but I couldn't keep shouldering the blame for something I didn't do." Lupin's words were lost on the other man, his mind turning in on itself.

_He's right, Merlin, it can't be._ Memories flashed up, feelings he had buried surfacing painfully. _Lily, I'm sorry._

* * *

><p><em>Guilt ran through him, and a slight feeling of disgust. Yet he didn't stop.<em>

_His hand moved hurriedly, trying to fulfill his need, trying to just been done with it all. His breath came in pants, laboured._

_There was no knock, no utterance of his name. No warning at the sudden intrusion. Only a strangled gasp, that had his head up and eyes wide._

_Jumping to his feet, Severus hurriedly fixed his robe, his face burning with his blush. Remus was no better, attempting to look anywhere but at the man before him._

_"Get out." This brought Lupin's head up. Severus quickly regretted his words._

_Strangely dark eyes locked onto his, gazing at him. Long legs stepped forward, even as he backed away. A hand darted out, taking still unsettled black robes into stretching fingers._

_Material was pushed aside. Skin brushed skin. Fingers curled, grasped. Any chance of escape was lost. Any ability to speak destroyed._

_Severus found himself gently pushed back, even as Remus kept his hand carefully in place. His knees hit something solid, and he was falling. His soft mattress caught him, leaving him to gaze up to eyes that were foreign to him. Remus was gone, the wolf looked down on him hungrily._

_A spell was muttered, and all cloth disappeared. Another spell, and Lupin was moving. He lowered himself, carefully straddling Severus. Heat erupted where their skin touched._

_Lupin continued to shift, continued to lower himself. Moaning softly, he fit himself completely over Severus. Taking short, sharp breaths, he paused._

_Severus couldn't move, couldn't fight it. His mind was full of the man before him, with no room for anyone else. _Lily._ A small voice tried to remind him, but he just couldn't bring himself to care. All that mattered was before him._

_Then Remus began to move. Slowly at first, shifting his hips in a way that had Severus seeing stars. From that moment on, as soon as the man as his lap began to impale himself on Severus, the whole world faded away._

_It wasn't long until they were both panting. Severus kept his hands by his sides, carefully holding himself up. Lupin's fingers had wrapped themselves around Snape's wrists when he had first lowered himself down, and had not since moved._

_Lupin's eyes never left Snape's face, watching every wave of pleasure cross it. Even as his own body convulsed when it reached his peak, his gaze didn't waver. Even as he milked Severus' own orgasm from his body, Lupin never looked away._

_It wasn't until he had come down off the unbelievable high that their coupling had brought, that Remus had realised what he had done. Hurriedly climbing off of the other man, Remus watched as the same realisation hit him._

_"Get out."_

_"Severus, please."_

_"Get out!"_

_"Severus, I'm so-" Lupin flinched back as Snape raised anger darkened eyes, releasing their full force on him._

* * *

><p>With no warning, Severus pushed forward. His lips met Lupin's in a clumsy kiss. For a long moment, the other man didn't respond. Pulling back, confused black eyes peered into equally confused brown.<p>

Leaning forward at a slower rate, Severus pressed his lips against Lupin's once more, experimentally. Again, with no response, Severus pulls away.

"Isn't this what you wanted?" Hurt and fear coloured his words, making them angrier than he meant.

"Not if-"

"'Not if' what?" Remus averted his gaze, unsure of how to answer. "I'm giving myself to you."

"Why?" It wasn't like his heart hadn't sped at the moment their lips had first touched. It wasn't like his body sung with the need to touch. Remus hated himself for questioning Severus, but he would have hated himself more if he hadn't.

"'_Why?_'" Severus tossed his head in anger.

"I can't do this, not unless you understand." Lupin painfully pulled away.

"Understand what?" Severus snapped, pushing past Remus. "I finally realise, finally see, and you think I don't understand?

"I did my own research. I knew, I knew it couldn't be done unless I felt the same. I knew, and I fought it." Remus watched in shocked silence as the other man began to pace the small room, obviously highly agitated. "I refused, because of my love for a dead woman. Even though every source aimed to prove me wrong, I refused.

"Then you show up here, and throw it all in my face. All that work, all that effort just to forget how you made me feel, and you ruin it." He was sneering now, contemptuous of his own folly. "What more could you possibly want? What more is left?"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't give me that! Don't give me apologies."

"I didn't come here to win you over." Severus' head snapped up at this, fixing Remus with a confused look. "I came here to tell you, there may be a way out."

"What?"

"Because of the nature of our, well, gender, we didn't complete the bond." Remus paused, rubbing his temples. "Unless we, uh-"

"We, what?" Remus flinched, the other man's tone cold cutting through him.

"Unless I, claim you, completely."

There was a long silence, pregnant with words left unsaid. They both stood, at opposite ends of the room, simply staring at each other.

"Then do it."

"But-"

"No 'but's."

"You'd be stuck with me, for life. Stuck with what I am."

Severus thought for a moment, playing everything through his mind. He knew, without a doubt, he loved the man before him, no matter how he had tried to deny it. He also knew, there was no way he'd be happy without Remus.

It was strange how things turned out.

"If I don't do this," Severus took a breath, forcing himself to meet Lupin's eyes. "I won't have much to live for."

Before the words were even out of his mouth, Lupin had cross the room to him. Taking the other man in his arms, Remus peppered kisses over his face. Severus growled low in the back of his throat, not interested in such a sign of affection. He wanted more, needed more.

He wanted the wolf. Wanted the way it took control, took him. He wanted to be claimed, completely. Wanted to be bound to Remus, completely.

Tangling hands in soft hair, Severus pulled Remus into a proper kiss. All teeth and tongues and passion. Hands moved, explored. Skin was felt, caressed. Flesh was gripped. Every sensation rolled through the pair, heightening the one to follow.

Severus felt himself being shifted, until he was facing his own desk, Remus somehow managing to end up behind him. Hands flowed over his back, pushing him forwards. He bent willingly, offering himself.

* * *

><p>It was amazing. He could feel Remus. He was this little ball of sensations in his mind. It throbbed gently, exuding contentment. As laughter rumbled through his lover's chest, he felt the mirth reflected in his mind.<p>

"I feel you." Severus couldn't help but announce disbelievingly.

"I know, I feel you too." Remus chuckled again.

"Does this mean, I have to be happy?"

"Not if you don't particularly want to be."

"I suppose I'll be nicer to students too." Remus laughed heartily at that.

"Some how, I don't see that happening."


End file.
